February 2018 – Saint Egoist

FEAR OF MYSELF

February 18, 2018
by Saint Egoist

I was afraid of my wisdom… All my life I tried to be kind to others and diminished myself to fit society. I was scared to be myself because I was afraid that I would not be accepted by others. Lack of acceptance meant lack of self-love. I was looking for love outside of myself. As I fit into society, it means that others accept me and I can love myself. If my thinking, wisdom, knowledge went beyond the limits of the average person, I pretended to be a fool, and I would do ridiculous things just to hide. My sense of humor and entertainment was a cover before showing myself in full, in being transparent, of being WHO I AM.
As I realized that what I hold in my heart is my greatest treasure, diamond, uniqueness that I can share with others and that I do not need anyone’s acceptance from outside. And that I can love myself unconditionally, that I do not need any confirmations from the outside world, from other people. Then I saw my grandeur, greatness, dignity, self-esteem.
I also saw the same beauty in other people and fully accepted them as they are without judging. Without comparing them to each other and that they are exactly where they should be. I do not want to change them. I felt great love, gratitude to all people and deep joy and lightness.

abundance

Finding Yourself

February 5, 2018
by Saint Egoist

I was searching and trying to find myself very hard. I felt very deep inside me that I am much more than what I see. I tried to find love outside me, and I tried to find abundance outside me. Everything that I wanted in my life was outside of me. I was trying to find the way out from limited human reality. I set goals, procedures, techniques, meditations, and I read all the possible books. I was great in theory, but it just kept me away from me even more. I was frustrated, after a while from the rest I tried to find myself again, and again.
I was frustrated and still searching for myself, for real fulfillment. I was continually looking for the missing puzzles that never fit together and were still missing something. When I was exhausted and gave up all attempts, I just had no more strength for it, and then everything suddenly started happening better than I expected. When I saw it, I tried to get involved again and improve the result by working on it. Then everything was fucked up again. I repeated this pattern thousands of times, for many years. I never had what I wanted, and I was always separated from what I wanted.

After many years, I realized that I was playing a mind game that is impossible to win, and it never ends. This game never gives a sense of fulfillment and real satisfaction.
I tried to get to know myself, my divinity through the prism of my mind. The mind has an insufficient spectrum of reality perception. Everything is simplified. The mind created goals, objects of desire placed far in the future that never happens.
All life always happens in the now moment only. There are no exceptions.
The question is, are we blind to the majesty of real life that is happening now or do we dream the illusions of a better life that will occur somewhere in the future?

We say YES, of course, we want to live now…

But at this moment we realize that there is nothing beautiful here at the moment, it is definitely not what we would like to experience. There is no money, no love, no enlightenment, no body what we would want. We see a simple gray everyday life that is merely boring, or full of problems and desires.
It is impossible that this boredom is unique and beautiful.
And then again, we start to repeat our search. We do not feel right where we are. Still, we expect something better. We begin to dream, hope and plan. We are drowning again in the illusion of a better future that never happens.
We are again in conflict with the life that is happening now and our expectations of what it should be.
The end of this painful mind game is to accept everything as it is, no matter how seeming it looks. Is it beautiful or ugly, pleasant or unpleasant… it is labels…. it is just as it is.

One of the most profound words: “All is well in all of creation.” express the end of searching, judging, struggling, and achieving illusionary objects from the mind.

And so it is!

Hubert