I had many identities. One of the funniest and most tricky was being a “spiritual person”. I had to eat healthily, I didn’t eat anything for some time, I had to meditate a lot, do yoga, read a lot of books, collect crystals and play on Tibetan bowls. I couldn’t have had bad thoughts and I was very serious about it. I was sending love to people, nature and the world. I just kept collecting things that have “spiritual people”. Because being a spiritual person is a serious matter, and above all a sacred one. These are not jokes, because you can have bad karma and subsequent incarnations and low vibrations. And then everything from scratch.
One beautiful sunny day, it all started fucking around. A few of my identities started to fall apart, but so completely. Nothing fit together. I just saw the big building fall apart and I can only watch the dust fall to the ground.That’s when my realization came in. It was all just a big fat story. A suffering that did not exist. And no one cares how it ends. Even God. There is no hell, there is no heaven, there is no god, no good no bad and no nothing I believed in turned out to be an illusion. Just an experience. I fucked up all the stones and crystals, incense and candles, rolled up the yoga mat and went to the shop to buy a bottle of whiskey, cigarettes and crisps. I never smoked, but since I can smoke and eat everything without consequences, I’ll smoke. Why not? I sat by the lake, smoked a pack of cigarettes and drank a bottle of whiskey listening to the devilish music from the phone. I’ve always had a tendency to listen to satanic bands, now I could do it without feeling guilty.
I’ve been trying to be “good” for so long, I’ve had to react somehow to be in a balance.I screamed and laughed at myself. My human self was so happy to dance in joy with soul.
And so it was!